Like A Champ

These past few weeks, I guess months, have been a shitshow and a half, and I would like some credit for handling everything like a champ.

There was a time when I wouldn’t be eating right now.

There was a time when I would have been eating, but would have felt such severe anxiety I wouldn’t have been able to function, let alone thrive.

There was a time where I would be crying this whole time, shaky and unsafe and yet forcing myself to do what “I” thought I “should” be doing.

There was a time when I would be going out and drinking too much.

But now I am tucking myself into bed, cozying up on my couch with The Office and dessert and coloring books.  Now I am busy with things I love, working with people I respect and admire and appreciate.  I am okay spending time by myself, secure in that I have friends and family and that we’ll spend time together at some point.  Instead of freaking out over whether people like me, I engage until I’m done and I let it go.  Instead of engaging all the time everywhere, I let things roll off of my shoulders.  Instead of obsessing, I put up mental blocks when I know I can’t handle something and let emotions come over me when I feel like I can.  I’m going to two therapy sessions a week, taking my medication, reading for fun, having grace with myself, drinking a lot of caffeine instead of alcohol.  I cuddle with my animals from childhood and listen to Eminem on repeat.

I’ve dealt with a semester’s worth of shit in the past few weeks– some of it brought on by myself, some of it by circumstances, some of it by others.  And it’s really freaking hard.  Like it’s really hard.  And yet I feel like I’m feeling better than I have in a while, like I’m more consistently happy and feeling more positive emotions.  I feel like I’m living a fuller life, self-supporting and happy.

And then there’s still the part of me that wants that partner.  Davidson and life throws a lot of shit at you and I want my best friend to hang out with, laugh with, learn about, and support.

And then there’s the questions I have about if I should be going out and doing more than this– if I’m “enjoying” college in the “right” way.  And then I remember that internalizing bullshit external norms got me into the mess in the first place, and that being confident in my own needs and self feels really good because that way I’m actually doing what I want.